just talked to my friend that’s deploying in the next 4 hours.
HTOWN | 25 | M | cat | @tclapp
Posts tagged personal
I’m so glad that we’re allowed to talk and be friends again now that you’re single.
god, mom and i: part 9
- mom: and you'll know what i'll say about this.. right?
- me: uh.. wait, what?
- mom: that the reason you're unhappy is because you're trying to do the impossible- trying to fill the god-sized hole in your heart with anything else but god!
- me: oh yeahh.. that's what you'd say.
- mom: so is it that you dont believe or...
- me: it's a bunch of different things mom... but i guess what i have the hardest time doing is comparing the supreme being i can imagine to the christian god and coming up with more and more questions i'll ask him if it does turn out that you're right.
- mom: ok... like??
- me: why he chose to reveal himself to only one group of his creation and not the entire earth. why he has allowed the catholic church to wage wars in his name and condone internal sexual abuse from its priests. to explain why, if he has supreme control, to allow a fallible human (the pope) to be his voice on earth. and why he allows his voice to prohibit the mass distribution of prophylactics in africa and thereby wills that thousands upon thousands of newborn children enter this world with a fatal disease.
- mom: ok.. well most of these are issues with PEOPLE, not god. humans are imperfect...
- me: well obviously.
- mom: so why are you putting all of it on god?
- me: because of his grand scheme, mom. i don't get it. there's too much mystery for me to just believe it because it sorta makes sense. there's too much wrong with it for me not to be skeptical.
i feel good.
i feel like i’ve got some self confidence for the first time in a while.
what does it mean when you aren’t timid in social situations but can’t stand being alone?
it means, among other things, that you are unhappy.
and its a cycle that ultimately needs to be broken.
i am responsible for my own happiness and well being- not for anybody else’s. and i, thereby, cant expect anybody else to provide me any sort of long lasting happiness.
i have to be the source of my own motivation. my willingness to get things done. my focus. my goals…. my happiness.
it’s all too easy for me to deflect personal issues in the name of ‘helping’ others. but in reality, its stunting their growth as much as it is mine.
i have this deep-seeded need to feel needed. its so easily fulfilled by trying my best to make the people i care about happier. but situational gratification is never a long-lasting solution. and it’s taken me a while to admit that.
you can only change yourself and how you react to things.
this is me trying to do that.
i am boarding a flight from houston to newark, new jersey. from there i will be going to visit my friend that goes to West Point™ Military Academy. we’ve been the best of friends ever since the fourth grade and this is the first time i am getting to see what his life has been like for the past three years.
its ridiculous how different people’s college experiences can be, right?
i just created ANOTHER blog
now there are 4 that i have yet to start. oh creative procrastination, you are one thing i really need to work on.
its amazing how quickly my day at work can go from ‘omg i get to internetz all day’ to ‘fuck this shit with a 12 inch’